


Shattered Soul

by WriterKC



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Oregon - Freeform, PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Sexual Assault, Recovery, Season 8, Sex Trafficking, Torture, Trauma, Undercover, established Bensler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:14:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29284362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriterKC/pseuds/WriterKC
Summary: Olivia Benson flew to Oregon, expecting an undercover assignment. Instead, it turned into a terrifying year of nightmares. Can Elliot help put her shattered fragments back together? Established EO set in Season 8. Much darker than my usual. Trigger warnings for kidnapping, rape, torture, and suicidal ideation.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Well it has happened. A plot bunny I have been trying to resist for about a year and a half has taken over and I now have a fourth multi chap in progress. This idea just wouldn't leave me alone so this was bound to happen. This story is set in Season eight and is established EO since Fault. This first chapter will be just a prologue.
> 
> Trigger warning: I do want to put this out there in advance. Due to the plot of this story, it goes to darker places than my other stories. I know that some are uncomfortable reading fics where Olivia has been raped. I don't expect anyone to read this, especially if it is triggering. Please proceed with caution, and don't feel bad if this isn't your cup of tea. There are other stories to read. Also trigger warnings for torture, kidnapping, and suicidal ideation.

She was freezing.

She had no way of knowing what time of year it was, how long she'd been in this place that had become her dungeon, or how many times her body had been torn and violated.

She didn't know when the last time was that she was allowed to have a meal either, or a drink of water. She only got to eat when she was good.

She hadn't been good today. Despite their attempts to break her in every way possible these last few months, she couldn't take it. They forced her to take two at a time and instead of swallowing it, she vomited up what little food she'd been allowed to eat. It landed on the man's shoes and, as a result, he coated her face with his filthy seed, raped her from behind, and left her bleeding in nothing but torn panties and a bra.

At least they let her wear _something_ when they were done with her.

On the nights she was sold to groups, they wouldn't clothe her afterward. They'd simply take what they came for and leave her chained to the bed.

She'd lost count of how many men after the first week.

There were only a few things she was sure of. One was that she was in a dark, cold, damp basement that hadn't been cleaned in years. There was a blood-stained mattress on the floor in the corner of the room. There was a thin sheet that didn't do much to keep her warm. There was a bucket for when she had to go to the bathroom.

That was about it besides the torture devices hanging on the walls. The chains and other objects made her sick to look at. That kept her paralyzed with crippling fear every day of what would inevitably be done to her.

She laid on the mattress and covered up with the sheet. Even though it didn't do much there was small comfort in being able to cover herself, to preserve whatever shred of dignity she had left. It wouldn't matter even if the sheet was a blanket though. She still wouldn't be warm because the one person who had the power to make her feel warm and safe and secure was thousands of miles away.

"Elliot," She sobbed even though it wouldn't do any good. "Elliot. Elliot."

That was the second thing she knew.

No matter how many tears she had cried for him he hadn't come for her. She was beginning to think he never would. She didn't know how long she'd been down here and couldn't expect him to search for her forever. He couldn't possibly love her that much. She was already unloveable before this but now even more so.

How could he expect him to come to save her, to still look at her the same, to still love her the same after the disgusting things she'd let these men do to her. After the disgusting things she'd been forced to do for them. So many filthy hands, mouths, and other body parts had invaded her that she felt like her soul had been shattered. She was tainted. She didn't deserve to live.

Yet, even though it seemed to be her only way out, they hadn't killed her.

She'd tried begging them to but they simply laughed in her face and told her they were having too much fun with her. She was making them money.

She turned over on her side but didn't close her eyes. The little sleep she would get would undoubtedly be plagued by nightmares of the terror she had experienced during her time in this hellhole.

Sometimes though her mind would still grace her with an image of Elliot's face to drown out those nightmares. His blue eyes that had always looked at her with love, his smile, his voice, everything she had missed. The memory was always short-lived though. Just a tiny hint of safety and then it would be whisked away and she would feel the chill set in that had become permanent during her captivity.

She whimpered when she heard the door creak open and scooted closer to the wall as if it would offer her some protection. It wouldn't. She knew it wouldn't do any good, but it gave her an illusion that she could still protect herself.

"Get up!" She clenched her eyes shut so she wouldn't see who had come in. Every part of her body still hurt like hell from the last assault and she fought back fearful sobs at having to endure another so soon after. "The boss wants to move you," A gown was thrown in her direction. "Get up you lazy bitch or I'll make you." The thought of more hands on her made her sick. She stood up shakily and put the gown on over her head.

"W-where are we going?" She involuntarily flinched, anticipating a punch.

Instead, a hand gripped the back of her neck as the other trailed down her body. The stranger grinned sickeningly at her. She tried to move away but his grip was too strong.

"Does it really matter? It's not like you're gonna escape," A strangled sob ripped from her throat when the hand trailing her body cupped her core and cold fingers forced themselves inside her.

"P-p-please don't. I'm sorry. I won't ask more questions," She wanted to gag at the smell of his breath as he growled in her ear. He squeezed her breast painfully through her gown and she whimpered.

"You're right, you won't. Your voice will be too hoarse from the ways we'll make you scream, you slut," She tried to block out the feeling of him pressing into her from behind as she was dragged upstairs and outside.

It had been ages since she'd seen the sun which she knew meant she was being moved to a new location. She never knew where that was though, but she hadn't been on a plane yet, so she at least knew she was still in the US.

The detective still lingering within her tried her best to look around, with the hope of a rescue one day somewhere in her mind, gathering as many details as she could for describing the location and her captors for any fathomable arrest to come. Before she could get a good look, a blindfold was placed over her eyes, and she was shoved into a car. She hoped she'd been thrown in a trunk. At least, then, she'd have that reprieve from being touched, but the intense feeling of dread chilled her veins when she felt hands grope her body. She was in a car with tinted windows laid across the back seat on someone's lap and had no way to escape their slimy, nausea-inducing touch for however long the car ride would be. She wouldn't have been able to escape from a trunk either so there was no reason for them to do this other than to drag out the terror, to steal more of her dignity and control.

"Please, let me ride in the trunk. Please, I'll be good," She sobbed. "Please, stop. Please, let me go," The only response was laughter as she tried to block out the violation and think of her partner.

_Please, find me, El. I can't take anymore and I don't care that I'm begging. I need you. Where are you?_

Did he even care anymore?

**X**

A whole year.

She had been missing for twelve months, fifty-two weeks, three hundred and sixty-five days, eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours, five hundred and twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, and thirty-one million five hundred fifty-seven thousand six hundred seconds. Most people don't keep track of every one of those thirty-one million five hundred fifty-seven thousand six hundred seconds. He didn't use to, either. He never even knew that number until now. The love of his life, who should have been in bed with him safely in his arms had been in the clutches of an unknown monster for thirty-one million five hundred fifty-seven thousand six hundred seconds and they were no closer to finding her.

He looked over at the alarm clock. It was only three in the morning but he knew he wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight. He never slept when she was on his mind which was most hours of the day. He ran a hand down his face and sat up slowly. The grief and worry over her disappearance made him feel twenty years older. The only semblance of comfort was that he had sold his apartment and moved into hers. It made him feel closer to her. He could almost smell her shampoo when he laid on her pillow, he could see her on the couch cuddled into his side while they watched a movie, even her coffee maker reminded him of her. It reminded her of lazy weekend mornings when they didn't have to go to work after they spent the night together making love. One of them would get up and make the coffee while the other showered. They'd share a good morning kiss, and complain about morning breath, and then order breakfast from the diner because neither of them liked to cook.

He looked at the picture of them on her nightstand and picked it up, stroking her face with his thumb. God, he missed her. He missed her so much every one of those thirty-one million five hundred and fifty-seven thousand six hundred seconds sent an agonizing dagger through his heart.

"I'm gonna find you, sweetheart. I promise. They may have given up but I never will. I love you. More than anything. I'll bring you home soon," He sniffled. It was something he told her often even though she wasn't there to hear him. All he could do was pray that wherever she was, she knew.

His years on the job told him at this point they were probably looking for her body. Yet he refused to believe it. She wasn't dead. They were partners. He'd know if she was dead because he would be, too. She was his world. He would never give up on her no matter how many other cases he had to focus on, no matter how many times his colleagues told her they knew it was hard but he had to let her go.

They had no fucking idea. If they thought he could just let her go they had no fucking idea. She was a part of him. He couldn't. Until he saw a body he had to believe she was alive. He wouldn't survive otherwise. It was why he refused to work with a new partner. He would work by himself or Munch and Fin but no way in hell was he working with a rookie who wasn't his Olivia. No one would ever replace her. No one.

The sound of his phone ringing interrupted his thoughts. He answered it expecting to be called in on another case. For another victim. One that wasn't Olivia. The same heart-wrenching routine he had repeated every day for twelve months, fifty-two weeks, three hundred sixty-five days, and so on.

"Stabler," Instead the response he got made his heart stop.

"Elliot," Cragen's voice was grim. "A woman was found matching Olivia's description. They need someone to come to identify her," He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"What hospital?"

"El," The nickname _she_ had always used. The one meant for comfort. The sign that the person saying it wasn't talking to him as his colleague or boss, but as his friend. Someone who cared about him. "Son-"

"Just tell me."

"She's in the morgue."

"Oh god," His knees buckled. Not her. Please God not her.

"Are you gonna be ok to drive?"

"I-" He couldn't speak.

"I'll come to pick you up."

**X**

He was numb. Neither he nor Cragen said a word as they walked into the morgue. This was the end. He wasn't being dramatic. If Olivia was the body brought in it would be the end of him. He'd like to think he'd be able to keep going for his kids but he didn't know exactly how.

He gripped the wall as he watched through the glass. He didn't think he could stay on his feet without support.

He felt the shreds left of his heart eroding as the sheet was pulled back. He wished Melinda was the M.E. working that night. She knew Olivia and could prepare him if it turned out to be her, but it wasn't. The responsibility to identify her fell solely on Elliot. Olivia didn't have any family. Elliot was her next of kin, her emergency contact, her partner. He knew her intimately. He _had_ to do this no matter how much it killed him because he was the only one that could.

A sob ripped from his throat when he saw brown hair.

"Brunette female, brown eyes...looks, maybe, mid-to-late thirties-" Before Elliot could stop him Elliot stepped into the room where the M.E. was.

"Can you...can you pull the sheet down a little more. I need to see if-I need to look for something," The first place he looked was on her neck. He didn't see one that would've been in the spot. However, there were so many other scars on this body he could've easily missed it. The face was beaten beyond recognition. That wouldn't help either. Still, he would cling to hope till the last second that this was someone else. That his partner might still be alive. "My partner and I were intimate. She has a birthmark on her inner hip shaped like a heart," He choked out through tears and watched as the sheet was pulled further back. He scanned the body, searching for signs of the one he had known so well. He blinked away tears so his vision wouldn't be blurred.

"No birthmark."

"W-wait what?"

"Sir-"

"Elliot. Please, Doctor."

"This woman doesn't have the birthmark you mentioned. I don't think it's your partner," He looked back down at the body, the spots he'd kissed so many times weren't there. Another sob ripped from his gut.

"Oh God, it's not. It's not her. It's not my Liv. Don! Don, it's not her! It's not her!"

"Are you sure?"

"Cap, I _know_ my partner's body," No matter how awkward that comment was a wave of relief washed over Cragen. They may not be any closer to finding the woman he considered his daughter, but at least there was still reason to hope.

"Ok. Ok. Good. Thank you for your time Doctor."

They could still have hope but it was waning.

Because that might not have been her, but the next body might be, and Elliot wasn't sure he would survive another phone call.

He almost made it out of the building before he punched a wall.

_Please, Lord. Let her be alive. I'll give her whatever care and support she needs. Just bring her back to me._

**X**

They had knocked her out with something at some point because suddenly she couldn't feel their hands on her body anymore. When she came to, she knew she had been out for several hours because the blindfold had been removed and she was in a different car driving away from an airport. She did a double-take when she saw the sign.

_La Guardia._

_New York._

She was _home._

The tiny light of hope was nearly snuffed out when she heard someone talking about passports. They were taking her overseas.

She had to escape. She didn't know how but she had to find a way.

It was her last chance.

**X**

She tried not to give any hint to her captors that she knew this place. She knew the only reason they were allowing her to see out the windows was that for all they knew she was Persephone James of Oregon. They were confident she wouldn't try anything in a big, unfamiliar city.

For the first time since her abduction, she felt a fire ignite within her and bit back a smirk when one of the men muttered something about New York traffic.

She had home-field advantage and they didn't have the slightest clue of that.

The sound of screeching tires brought her out of her thoughts.

**X**

The first thing she noticed was the car had stopped moving. The second thing she noticed was the blood.

The third? She was the only one in the vehicle that was awake and relatively uninjured.

Her head throbbed and she looked around at the shattered windows of the car that had been flipped over on its side. The hands that had been groping her were limp.

Was this her chance?

She shakily climbed over the body of one of the men and opened the car door, terrified the sound would wake one of her captors. It didn't. She nearly cried in relief. She climbed out and stood on the road for a minute in disbelief that she had done it.

The next thing she knew she was running faster than she ever had in her life. In a ripped, bloody gown, sobbing, praying that the next person she saw would help her.

**X**

It was his lunch break but he didn't feel like eating. He knew the rest of the squad was worried about him though so he decided to go for a drive so they would think he went to lunch. He was doing ok until he thought of Olivia again and how wherever she was they might be denying her food. That quickly stole whatever appetite he might have had.

He could see someone running in the distance and shook his head. What kind of idiot runs on a highway when there's a perfectly safe sidewalk?

His Detective radar kicked in when he realized it was a woman who was injured running towards him. He stopped his car just short of hitting her. Luckily the light was red and he didn't give a fuck who saw him. He stepped out and held up his badge.

"Ma'am-"

The run had been too much for her. She collapsed against the hood of his car and he crouched down next to her. The woman flinched violently and scooted away from him.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. I'm a police officer. You're safe now. I'm gonna help you. Can you tell me your name?" Horns honked behind him but he didn't care that he was blocking traffic. This was his job. "I'm not gonna hurt you." He put his hands up in surrender. "I wanna help you, that's all. See?" He handed her his badge "It's alright now," He did not attempt to hold back the sob at the word he heard in response.

"E-El?"

"Oh my God. Olivia? You're alive," He refrained from touching her because he knew she'd been through some kind of trauma, but it was hard. He wanted to hold her and never let her go again.

"T-they're gonna...you have to help me," Her eyes were wide with terror and it broke his heart.

"I will baby. I'm gonna take you to the hospital okay? It's alright now. You're safe," He soothed.

"I'm not safe!" She cried. "They're gonna catch me!"

"No. No, I _promise._ I've got you now. I'm gonna protect you," He reached his hand out to her and she took it after a moment of hesitation. "You're home now. It's gonna be alright. I'll make sure of it," He helped her into the car and gave her his hoodie to wear over the gown, wanting to give some of her dignity back to her. It was a small step to helping her heal, to giving her comfort. Even with that, she was shaking uncontrollably. He didn't notice anyone following him but used the lights and sirens so they could get to the hospital as fast as possible.

The next thing he did was call Cragen.

"Don, I found her. She's alive," He choked back a sob. "She's alive. I've got her. I'm taking her to the hospital."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for the responses to chapter one. The reviews definitely eased my nerves. Here's chapter two.
> 
> Trigger warning: Due to the plot of this story, it goes to darker places than my other stories. I know that some are uncomfortable reading fics where Olivia has been raped. I don't expect anyone to read this, especially if it is triggering. Please proceed with caution, and don't feel bad if this isn't your cup of tea. There are other stories to read. Also trigger warnings for torture, kidnapping, PTSD.

Her eyes darted back and forth as if waiting for someone to jump out of the shadows. Every time the car turned she'd look behind them as if expecting the monsters responsible for her terror to be following them. Her shaking hadn't slowed at all and Elliot was worried she was close to hyperventilating. He tried thinking of things to say to soothe her but wasn't sure if they were helping.

"Olivia I promise you I'm here now. No one can hurt you. Not while I'm with you."

"Th-they're g-g-gonna find me. They'll kill you and then they'll take me and...and punish me b-because I was bad. I wasn't supposed t-to escape, b-but, they," Her sob punctured his heart. "They-"

"Shhh breathe for me, sweetheart. You're gonna hyperventilate," She took a shuddery breath. He had never seen her like this and in the nine years, he'd known her she had _never_ stuttered. It didn't take a genius to know she had been through hell. Unfathomable, horrifying, soul-shattering hell. The woman in the passenger seat, while he still loved her dearly, wasn't who she had been a year ago and it killed him. It killed him because he knew this would be an incredibly painful road to healing and it made the boulder of guilt that had been weighing on him for not finding her sooner even heavier.

"El," She whimpered.

"I'm right here. I'm here. I love you so much. I'm gonna protect you with my life. I promise. We're gonna get these bastards and make them pay and I'm not gonna leave your side. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep you safe." He wanted to reach for her hand, to offer her some sense of comfort, but he had to remind himself of a gut-wrenching fact: she was a trauma victim. What had been done to her? He didn't know the details yet, but he could guess. It made him sick knowing what horrific, despicable things had likely been done to her since her disappearance. Even though he wasn't aware of the details yet, based on her demeanor thus far he concluded that touching her without warning would do more harm than good.

"Olivia, do you want to hold my hand? Would that make you feel safer? If you could squeeze my hand?" He wanted her to know she was in control. He wasn't going to touch her unless she wanted him to and she didn't have to touch him. "You don't have to honey. I just want to help. I want to do whatever would make you feel better. I won't get mad. You're not gonna be...punished." The last word caused bile to rise in his throat.

She was staring intently out the window and he wasn't sure if she heard him. "Baby we're almost to the hospital. Just a few more minutes." She didn't respond, but he was thankful she was no longer on the verge of hyperventilating. Now she just seemed frozen. He hoped the sound of his voice was soothing for her and not agitating. A couple of minutes of silence passed before he heard a pain-filled moan that caused a lump to form in his throat. "I know you're hurting Livia. I'm so sorry. I promise when we get to the hospital they'll give you something to make you feel better."

"My head," She whimpered and he softened his voice even more than the tone it had been knowing that anything too loud would make her pain worse. The sirens of course weren't helping with that either but he wanted to get to the hospital as fast as they could.

"I know honey. I promise it will all be over soon. Just a little longer."

"Make it stop! Turn them off!" She suddenly cried out and sobbed.

_Jesus Stabler just turn off the fucking sirens. The lights will do. You're torturing her. Hasn't she been through enough?_

"I'm so sorry baby," He nearly let out a sob of his own at her distress as he turned off both the sirens and the lights in case they were causing her anguish too. They were just a couple blocks from the hospital now anyway. "I'm so sorry. They're off now. They're off, it's over. I'm so so sorry."

"It hurts."

"I know. I know," He soothed. "I'm sorry."

"I-I wasn't m-mad at you. I-I-It just hurt."

 _You're a fucking monster. You didn't need the lights and sirens you could've just driven fast and if anyone gave you crap you could've shown them your badge. How long have you been working this job? You_ should know by now that loud noise can be agitating for victims, not to mention _you have no idea what her injuries are. Shame on you for being so inconsiderate._

"I know it did honey. No more. I promise," He didn't bother to wipe his tears as the hospital came into view.

"El...El I'm gonna be sick."

"Ok..ok...it's alright. We're at the hospital now it's alright."

"No...can't...I need...I'm gonna…" He got the message that time and pulled over at the hospital entrance. Luckily there was a plastic bag still in the backseat from his takeout the night before. He quickly grabbed it and held it up for her.

"Here. It's ok." She retched and he could tell it was causing her more pain because as she rid her stomach of what little food she'd likely had she continued to cry and grimace. "I'm so sorry it hurts sweetie. We're here and they're gonna help you. I promise." Once she was done he got out and went over to her side. When he opened the door though she scooted further away as if scared to get out. He crouched down. "Olivia I will be right next to you I promise. I'll be right here. I won't leave you. We're gonna walk in there _together_ and they're gonna help you. I know you're in a lot of pain right now and they're gonna make that better ok? Do you trust me?" Her eyes locked with his.

Blue. Calm. Safety. Love. Elliot.

She nodded.

"Good. Good, then I _promise_ you I would never let anyone near you who I thought would hurt you. Ever." She didn't respond but he hoped she believed him. "Is there anything I could do at this moment to make you feel safer while we walk in? Can I hold your hand? You can squeeze if you get scared?" He considered suggesting he could carry her in but didn't want to push it. After a moment of hesitation, she placed her trembling hand in his. "That's it. We're gonna do this together ok? I won't leave you," Realistically, he knew there may be portions of her exam where he wouldn't be able to be right next to her, but he wasn't leaving her until he knew she was in the hands of competent medical professionals who could keep her safe.

Even then, he would fight them tooth and nail if they tried to keep him away from her more than necessary. Olivia clutched his hand tightly and huddled close to him as they walked into the hospital. She gripped his arm with her other hand, like a drowning sailor clinging to her life vest. Elliot wanted to wrap his arms around her in a cocoon, to provide her with extra shelter, but he feared she'd feel trapped. It was heartbreaking knowing even a gesture of comfort could trigger something horrifying.

Her breathing hitched and her grip tightened when they stepped inside. The emergency room was chaos and he could sense her growing agitation.

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm right here. I've got you," His tone was gentle and touched her shivering heart like a blanket.

"Detective Stabler?" The voice came out of nowhere and Olivia jumped and hid behind her partner.

"Olivia, sweetheart it's okay. It's just a doctor. He's not gonna hurt you. I promise," He turned his attention to the man who was approaching them. "Doctor, this woman needs medical attention as soon as possible. From someone trained in working with trauma victims if possible. She...she escaped after being held captive for a year. I have no idea what she's been through, but it's bad. At the very least she has a concussion. Her head was killing her on the way here and she threw up in my car."

"In your car? You found her? Is this a case you're working on?"

"She was running in the street. It was purely a coincidence that I found her. She's...she's not a regular victim, Doctor. She's my partner. Olivia Benson. She'd been missing for a year. She's been through hell. Please, you have to help her!" His voice cracked.

"Of course. I heard her story on the news. We'll get her set up in room four and have someone come in right away."

"Thank you," Olivia remained behind Elliot, squeezing his hand and shuffling her feet as they were led to the room.

When they got to the doorway she saw the bed, let go of his hand, and slowly backed away. His heart shattered knowing what was likely going through her mind. He knew it wasn't him she was afraid of, but the fact that even for a moment her mind considered the idea that he might be luring her into a room to hurt her made him sick.

"Hey," He spoke softly and reached his hand out towards her but didn't touch her. "I'm not gonna hurt you. You're safe here. I know you're scared honey but I promise they're gonna give you medicine and get you patched up and feeling better. No one's gonna hurt you in that room. No one's gonna make you do anything on that bed. I'm gonna be by your side the whole time. I won't leave unless you want me to," She backed into a nurse rolling a cart and whimpered, breathing hard.

"Miss, are you lost? Does she belong in the psych ward, sir?" The nurse's tone was patronizing and ticked Elliot off. He glared at her before addressing Olivia.

"No, she belongs with me. Baby, please come here. Grab my hand."

"Don't take me," She sobbed. "Please," The nurse gave her a sickeningly sympathetic look as she moved closer to Elliot again.

"Olivia," Elliot's voice again. "Olivia no one is gonna take you anywhere honey. I promise I'm gonna keep you safe. I'm gonna take you into this room and get you fixed up and make sure you're safe and that no one takes you anywhere you don't want to go okay?"

"Promise?"

"I promise. I'm gonna look after you now. I'm gonna take care of you," If he had said those words a year ago she would've rolled her eyes and told him she could take care of herself. This time he was met with an emotionless stare and a trembling hand being placed in his again. He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"D-do I have to sit on the bed?"

"I-What can I do to help you feel safer on the bed?"

"I don't want them to touch me. I'm scared," Unfortunately not a plausible request at a hospital.

"I know you are. I promise you, no one that touches you is gonna hurt you."

"W-what if they're nice until they make you leave and then they-"

"They won't make me leave. I promise. I'll stand next to the bed and hold your hand," Her next words made him want to vomit.

"Will they make me take my clothes off? Will they tie me to-"

"No. It's nothing like that I swear. Olivia, I would _never_ have brought you here if I thought that was gonna happen. I imagine they'll have you change into a hospital gown, but I'll turn around while you're doing that. I won't look unless you want me to."

" _Get up! Now bitch or I'll make you!" A gown was thrown in her direction._

She didn't want another gown. She didn't want any of the scraps of clothing _they_ gave her. She wanted real clothes.

"Liv, please tell me what to do," The haunting memory threatened to pull her under, his voice brought her back to the surface. "I want you to feel safe with me. What can I do to make that happen?"

Didn't he understand? It wasn't that she didn't feel safe with him, it was that she didn't think he was _real_. She didn't think she'd escaped. She feared he was an illusion, a dream, and she'd wake up and be back with those monsters.

She took her hand out of his again and he wondered if she'd run. Instead, she threw her arms around him, gripping his neck tightly, crying. Afraid if she let go he'd disappear. Her one emblem of safety would be ripped from her.

"Shh it's alright," He took a chance and wrapped his arms around her, rocking her back and forth. "I got you. It's over now."

"Don't let go!"

"I won't. I won't let go. I promise. How about if I sit with you on the bed and hold you? I probably won't be able to the whole time, but I will for a little bit. Would that help? Hmm?" She sniffled and nodded against him."Ok," As long as he lived he would never take for granted the ability to hold her again.

Having her in his arms for the first time in twelve months was surreal. He closed his eyes and let a couple of tears fall of his own as she shook and cried against him. He tried to pry her hands from his shirt so they could walk to the bed, but her cries intensified at the idea of breaking contact.

"Shhh ok. Ok. Can I carry you? Just until we get to the bed and then we'll sit together and I'll hold you just like this," She nodded against his shoulder.

He put a hand under her knees and lifted her, scooping her up into his arms and holding her close to his chest. He carried her to the bed and sat her in his lap. He knew they'd have to adjust when the nurses and doctors came in to examine her, but for now, his priority was to calm her down enough to accept their help.

He cradled her and attempted to soothe her as much as he could. "It's over baby. It's over now. You're safe. I've got you. El's got you now. I love you. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. No one's gonna hurt you anymore. I'll make sure of it. I'll protect you. It's alright now."

"They'll find me...they-"

"No. No, I promise they won't sweetie," He stroked her hair as he rocked her. "I called Cragen on the way here. He, Munch and Fin are gonna come see you once you're situated in your room and we're gonna figure out who the people who hurt you are and make sure they never see the light of day again. He's sending a detail over to us right now and they're gonna stand outside the door helping me keep you safe. I'm gonna sit in here with you. I _promise_ you won't be left alone. Not for a second," He didn't think he was even physically capable of letting go now that she was back in his arms where she belonged.

After a few minutes, her cries turned into sniffles and hiccups. Her grip on him was still tight and he had every intention to keep holding her until they took her for x-rays. Checking her temperature, blood pressure, that could all be done while she was in his embrace couldn't it? The door creaked open and she hid her face in the crook of his shoulder. Elliot was grateful the nurse who walked in was female. Not that Olivia's terror would suddenly disappear, but he hoped her mind would be a little more at ease knowing it wasn't a strange _man_ touching her. She'd dealt with enough of that. He shuddered at the thought and tightened his grip on her protectively.

"Olivia?" If the woman cradled against his chest heard her name being called, she didn't respond, if anything she clung tighter to his shirt. "My name is Madison. I'm gonna help get you feeling better, ok?" Still no response.

"She's been through a severe amount of trauma in the past year. She's terrified of strangers. She was even nervous with me at first," Elliot spoke up when the only response was a whimper. "I'm really worried about her. I have no idea how she escaped her captors, but her head, she might have a concussion. She had a really bad headache and threw up in the car. Not to mention other injuries," Her gown was torn and bloody. It didn't take a genius to figure it out.

"Olivia, how bad is your head pain feeling right now? On a scale of 1-10?"

Her words were muffled by Elliot's shirt. "Honey, we can't understand you," Elliot's voice was tender and loving. "Please tell us."

"Nine," The Olivia he knew a year ago would have said four and brushed it off as nothing. This must be bad.

"Ok, we need to do an MRI to see how bad her concussion is and an x-ray to check for other injuries so we can treat them. Olivia can I check your temperature and blood pressure real quick? You don't have to get up," She didn't respond and instead shrunk further into Elliot's arms.

"Livia," He maintained his tender tone. "It'll only take a second and it won't hurt. Please? For me? I won't let go."

"Promise?" The uncertainty in her voice tore at his heart.

"I promise. I wouldn't let her touch you if I thought she was going to hurt you," She lifted her head from his shoulder but maintained her grip on his shirt as the thermometer was placed under her tongue. True to his word he kept her locked in his secure embrace.

"Your temperature looks normal so that's a good sign," Elliot was glad this nurse was kind, but not patronizing. She was talking to Olivia instead of talking about her like she wasn't in the room. "Ok let's get your blood pressure. I'll need one of your arms for this, you can keep the other one wrapped around your husband's neck. It's just for a second," Elliot didn't bother to correct the young woman referring to him as Olivia's husband. They could think he was whoever they wanted to as long as they didn't make him leave her side.

Olivia was hesitant to break contact. Elliot reached behind him and grasped one of her hands. "It's alright. It's just for a second sweetie. Just for a second. Here, squeeze my hand instead." Thankfully, she stayed calm enough to let him pry her fingers from his shirt and interlace with his instead as the nurse put the BP cuff on her arm.

"Blood pressure is high. We'll need to get an IV started for fluids and nutrition," Elliot wasn't sure which part he was dreading the most. The fact that after everything she'd been through she'd have no choice, but to lay still and let someone put a needle in her arm, or the fact that despite telling her he wouldn't leave her he was going to have to let go so they could take her to be x-rayed.

He hated that both options would result in a lot of fear and tears. He wished he could absorb all her agony as his so she wouldn't have to carry it anymore. He swallowed hard knowing the crippling terror would return to her eyes at his next words, but that he had no choice.

"Baby," The term of endearment was a comfort, to soften the blow. "I'm gonna have to let go now so they-"

"No!" She shrieked and clung to him. "You promised!"

"Shhh, it's just for a few minutes."

"I don't want to go," She sobbed. "Don't let them take me away again."

"They're not taking you away. They just want to do some tests so they can make your head feel better, ok?"

"No," She whimpered and clung tighter.

"I know it's scary, but you know what? They want to keep you safe as much as I do. It'll be over before you know it and then you'll be back in here with me, ok?"

"Don't leave me."

"Olivia I'm right here. I'll be right here when they're done with the x-rays, ok? I'll sit in this chair and hold your hand and I won't leave you alone. Not for a second. No one's ever gonna take you from me again. I promise. The sooner you go the sooner you can come back."

"Don't make me go."

"I...baby I love you. I love you so much. Everything I do is to help you, not to hurt you. Please. I want you to get checked out so I can make sure you're ok. So they can help you if not. I'm not doing it because I want them to take you away. I missed you so much and I prayed every night that you'd be found alive. Please do this for me. I promise it won't take long."

"I'm fine. Nothing is broken. They don't need to do x-rays," It broke Elliot's heart to know this wasn't her usual 'I'm fine stop making a fuss about me'.

She was genuinely terrified that if she let go of him she'd be snatched again by the monsters who took her. It pained him and also filled him with rage at what had been done to her. The rage that was contained until he heard someone come in, distinctly masculine.

"Do we need to sedate her?" It was a male doctor he didn't recognize.

"If you even consider that idea I'll have your license!" He growled. "You wanna give her something for anxiety to help her feel a little more at ease but so help me god you are not fucking sedating my partner!"

"Stop yelling! Stop it!" She covered her ears and moved away from him slightly. He felt like an asshole.

"I'm sorry honey. I'm so sorry." His tone softened instantly.

"Th-they were always so angry. I-if I didn't…" Tears sprung to his eyes.

"Shhh, I know. No more yelling, I promise."

"We'll give her a shot of Lorazepam if you think she can handle it."

"If _I_ think she can handle it? She's a person and she's sitting right here. Ask her."

"I'm sorry," The doctor was intimidated by him.

"Don't ever disrespect her like that again. She's been through enough," He glared at the doctor but turned his attention to Olivia who was speaking, but her voice was muffled by his shirt.

"Liv?"

"I don't want him to touch me."

"Ok. Can Madison give you the shot? There's some medicine in it that I think will make you feel better."

"C-can you do it? If it's you I know you won't hurt me." _At least on some level she still trusts you, Stabler. Cling to that._

"I would never hurt you and I would never let anyone else hurt you either. I trust Madison. I trust her with you and it's not easy for me to trust someone with you because you're so precious to me. I know she won't hurt you and that she wants to help you feel better like I do," He tried a different tactic. "Olivia, if I give you the shot I won't be able to hold you while I do it. I'll have to let go and lay you on the bed and go behind you so I can see. I'd like to hold you until you get the x-rays done because I can tell you feel safer when I do. If Madison gives you the shot I won't have to let go."

She nodded hesitantly and he resisted the urge to give her a comforting kiss on the forehead, another gesture that may not have the same calming effect as it once did and could instead be a terrifying trigger. Elliot kept his grip on her as he leaned back on the bed and shifted them so she was laying against his chest.

"Focus on my voice and squeeze my hand," He soothed. "It's just gonna be a pinch. It won't hurt I promise," Luckily getting the shot was quick enough that the only resistance was a small whimper. "Lay against me. We're just gonna stay right here and relax for a few minutes ok? I'll keep holding you until you feel better."

She snuggled into him and nodded against his shoulder. After about ten minutes he could feel her muscles relax and he squeezed her hand gently.

"Ok. Ok, I'm gonna let go of you now ok? It's gonna be alright. It's just gonna be for a few minutes and then you'll be back in here and I'll be in this chair and I won't leave your side, ok?"

"Promise?"

"I promise," He smiled and gave her hand another squeeze before letting go. Hesitantly she pried the fingers of her other hand from his shirt. "It's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be ok now. I promise. You're home. No one's gonna hurt you anymore," He'd said those words earlier but had no problem repeating them if they helped put her at ease.

**X**

He waited until the nurse led her out of the room before he called Cragen to give him an update on her condition. When he hung up he let out a sigh of relief when he saw a uniformed officer standing outside the door that he knew was the protective detail the Captain had sent. The squad would be by later once Olivia was settled into a room. It was probably good because Elliot knew after being examined by the doctors she would be feeling overwhelmed and would need to rest. He was glad he'd be able to be by her side at least though. As much as he hated how terrified she was to be alone, he was thankful he was the one she trusted and wanted to cling to. He felt selfish for it because he knew helping her feel safe even when he couldn't be right next to her would be part of her healing, but after a year of wondering if he'd ever see her alive again, he wanted to hold her and not let her go. Ever. He would never deny her that comfort or push her away. She could hold onto him as much as she needed to for as long as she needed to, and he would hold onto her.

"Detective Stabler?" He turned to the doctor walking toward him. "She needs you."

"What happened?" He was immediately on alert, walking briskly to the radiology wing.

"We can't get her to follow us back to the room. She hid in a corner."

"What happened?" Irritation, protectiveness, and worry laced his tone.

"One of the techs got...handsy with her while-"

"Handsy!?" He wanted to find this 'tech' and throttle them across the floor. His jaw clenched. "No one thought to mention she's a _trauma victim!?_ "

"We couldn't get her to lay down so we could do the cat scan," The man's casual tone infuriated him.

"So _forcing_ her down and touching her when she's _terrified_ of you was the solution? She gets to decide who touches her. You don't touch her without consent. You don't touch her without explaining why you're doing it, reassuring her. What the fuck is the matter with you!? I want female nurses and doctors examining her for the rest of the stay. I'm gonna go get her and bring her back here, but this tech of yours better not be nearby cause I swear to God if I get my hands on him...don't ever touch my partner again!" He growled. "And some of you need a crash course on how to treat a rape victim. My Captain is gonna hear about this!" He stormed off before the doctor could reply.

The second he saw her he was struck with a powerful urge to kill any person responsible for the scars on her soul, the pain on her body, and the terror in her eyes. He crouched down to where she sat curled up in the fetal position shaking.

"Olivia," He extended his hand toward her but didn't touch her. "Olivia it's Elliot. You're safe now honey. I know you're scared, I know they scared you. They shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry."

"You promised they wouldn't," She sobbed. "You promised i-it was over that no one else would-" Jesus Stabler how many more promises are you going to break to her today?

"I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. This was it though. This was the only time I couldn't be with you. I'm not gonna leave you alone anymore. I promise."

"I was safe until you let go. I was safe until you let me go," He knew she had a concussion so there was no telling if she meant what happened at the hospital or when she left for Oregon a year ago. He'd been nervous about her going undercover so far away when he wouldn't be able to have her back. Regardless of which scenario she meant the guilt hit him like a ton of bricks and he swallowed a lump in his throat. He hated himself for letting go, in every sense of the word. He was supposed to protect her and in his mind, he had failed.

"I know, baby. I know. I'm so sorry. I promise not to let go this time."

"They'll make you when they have t-to," _Do the rape kit, but she couldn't bring herself to say the words._

"No, not this time. I'm gonna be right next to the bed and if it hurts or you're scared you can squeeze my hand and I _promise_ this time there is nothing they can do to make me let go," After a few minutes he managed to coax her back into his arms and he held her securely, whispering sweet nothings in her ear to soothe her before they went back to the triage room.

True to his word, he didn't let go this time. He sat and held her until a nurse came in to hook her up to an IV, and even then he held her hand in his and she squeezed hard as she looked into his eyes to block out the rest of the world. A blanket of comfort washed over her that she hadn't felt in so long. His voice sounded like a lullaby and she tried to absorb the safety and love he looked back at her with.

Her x-rays didn't show any internal bleeding, but Elliot's heart broke when he heard the words 'healed fractures from past trauma'. He expected it but it didn't make it any less painful to hear that someone had hurt the woman he loved. They were able to give her medicine for her headache and once she was more relaxed her blood pressure stabilized. Elliot asked them to wait a half-hour or so before doing the rape kit so she could rest. He was worried about her being overwhelmed with too much poking and prodding at once. Now that he was reassured her physical condition didn't warrant any immediate medical procedure he wanted her to have a few minutes of peace.

He squeezed her hand and scooted the chair right up to the bed so he could be close to her. Even though she had been okay with him holding her in his arms earlier he was still careful not to touch her in any way she didn't initiate or expect.

"Olivia," He kept his tone soft in case her head was bothering her. "Is it okay if I touch you here?" He brought his other hand up to the side of her face and stroked her hair back when she nodded. "How's your head feeling?"

"Better," He knew the road to recovery psychologically would be a long one, but he took comfort in the fact that now that it was just them, she seemed less tense and her voice didn't sound as timid. He smiled warmly.

"Good," He knew the next subject would cause her to tense up again, but he had to bring it up. Keeping her safe was paramount. "Olivia, you know I'd do anything to keep you safe, right? You trust me when I say that?"

She squeezed his hand. She was still anxious knowing her captors had likely figured out she escaped. She was still terrified to be alone. But yes, under Elliot's watchful, loving gaze with his strong body, guarding her with his hand holding hers tightly while his other hand stroked her hair sweetly, his soothing voice, his calming scent. With him here, she felt safe. He was her shelter.

"Good. I need to ask you about something, but before I do I want you to know there's a protective detail stationed outside the door. No one is getting in here that's not a doctor or a nurse, and even if they were I'm not going anywhere. Cragen, John, and Fin want to come to see you later once you're settled into a room, but-"

"They'll want me to answer questions for the case won't they?"

_Oh my darling, don't you know you're more to us than just a case?_

"You don't have to tell us everything until you're ready. They want to see you because they love you and have missed you. You're more than just a case, sweetheart. You're family. If they ask you anything it's to help keep you safe. That's the priority," He cleared his throat. "To do that though, to catch these guys-"

"You need to know where I escaped?" You can take the detective out of New York, but you can't take the detective out of the girl.

"I know it's hard to talk about, but anything you remember could be helpful so we can catch them as soon as possible," Her grip on his hand tightened.

"Y-you're still on the case? You have to leave to-"

"No, no baby I'm gonna stay right here. Fin and Munch will make the arrests," Besides if Elliot got ahold of them there wouldn't be a case. He would kill every single one of them with his bare hands and show no mercy. He knew though, that Olivia needed him, and having him in jail wouldn't be helpful to her. She was his priority. "Cragen asked me to talk to you about it. I'll call him and tell him whatever you tell me. I promise I'll make the call from this chair. I won't leave you alone. Not for a second."

"Ok," He hated having to admit to himself that she had been victimized this way, having to question her the way they had done together for eight years. He could see the turmoil in her eyes. She wasn't sure where to start.

"I only need to know about today, for now, honey. Where did they have you?"

"They forced me into a car and… their hands were all over me. I wanted them to put me in the trunk, I didn't want them to touch me, but they...they s-said that they were having too much fun with me," Sadists. Fucking sadists.

Elliot spoke up again, needing to bring her back to the present. "Where'd they take you?"

"They knocked me out. When I came to, I was in a different car and they were driving away from the airport."

"They'd gotten you across state lines. Were you being held in Oregon?"

"Yes."

"Was there a reason they brought you back to New York?"

"One of them said something about a passport. They were gonna take me overseas tomorrow," _Overseas._ Elliot's heart dropped. He never would've found her. He would've lost her forever.

"How'd you get away?"

"The car crashed. It knocked them out and I managed to make a run for it."

"How many men were in the car?"

"Four," She shuddered, recalling their filthy touch and Elliot squeezed her hand to ground her.

"Do you remember where the crash happened?" Don't be ridiculous Stabler, you can't possibly expect her to remember a fucking street name after everything she's been through. "Can you tell me what was nearby? Landmarks or buildings or anything?"

"No," She trembled and her lip quivered. "I just ran Elliot! I don't know where I was, I just ran! I had to get out of there! I should've paid attention, but I just...I just ran!" She cried.

"Shhh, it's alright, sweetheart. It's alright. You did nothing wrong," He soothed and tried a different tactic. "Had you been running for very long before I found you?"

"I-I don't know. I don't think so." Jesus Stabler, she has a concussion. You're torturing her. Quit asking her if she remembers shit you can find out yourself. The squad is perfectly capable of tracking down any cars that crashed leaving the airport. Don't overwhelm her.

"Ok, ok it's alright. It's alright."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"I didn't give you much to go on."

"You did great. You did the only thing you could. You survived. I care a hell of a lot more about that than if you remember the name of an intersection," He sniffled. "I love you. I missed you so much, baby. I prayed for you every night," His voice cracked. "I'm not upset with you for not being able to tell me every single detail right now. The only thing on my mind is that I'm so damn happy you're alive," He didn't bother to wipe the tear that fell. "I was so scared I'd never see you again. I'm worried I'm gonna wake up and this will all be a dream. You don't ever need to apologize to me. If it takes you days, or weeks, or months before you can talk about what happened if you just need to cry or scream, or...anything. You go right ahead. As long as you're breathing. I'll be right here to make sure you don't fall. I love you so much," He took a shaky breath as more tears fell from his eyes.

"I love you too, El," A sob ripped from his chest at those words, those precious words he hadn't heard in twelve months.

"Olivia, can I kiss you? Just on the forehead?" He needed more contact to prove to himself she was alive, but he still wanted to tread carefully. She nodded and he pressed his lips to her skin lightly. His salty tears landed in her hair as he closed his eyes and rested his head against hers. They stayed like this for a while, he wasn't sure how long, but a nurse had come in to do the rape kit, and he asked her to wait a few more minutes. They needed this moment. Thankfully she understood and left the room.

A few more minutes turned into ten, but he slowly lifted his head and sat up. He called Cragen to relay the information Olivia gave him and was told they would check police scanners for any car crashes in that area earlier in which there were four male passengers in the car. They'd figure it out. Elliot's only job was to take care of Olivia.

**X**

As long as he lived he didn't think he'd ever be able to forget the look of humiliation and shame on Olivia's face when her body was swabbed and photographed for evidence. It killed him that the only thing he could do was squeeze her hand. It killed him when she asked him to turn around because she didn't want him to see her broken form. He respected her privacy and did so, but made a mental note to remind her as much as possible that he still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and nothing would ever change that.

Once it was done she was admitted to a regular hospital room. He could sense she was tired but scared to sleep.

"El?" Her voice interrupted his thoughts.

"I'm right here. What do you need?" His fierce devotion to her nearly made her tear up again.

"I'm cold."

"Ok. Let's see if we can get you an extra blanket."

"Wait-"

"Honey I'm not gonna leave the room. I'm just gonna press the call button for the nurse."

"N-no I don't want anyone else in here. I don't want an extra blanket. I just…"

"What? It's ok. I'll do whatever you need me to," She didn't want a blanket. _They_ had given her a blanket and she still had a permanent chill every night. A blanket would only warm her body, not her shivering soul. She needed Elliot's arms around her.

"I-" Her strangled sob pierced his heart. She hated how weak she felt. She hated it. A year ago she wouldn't have clung to him this much, wouldn't have asked for his help, wouldn't be feeling so scared of not having him by her side. She felt ashamed, but she couldn't help it.

"Tell me. It's alright, sweetheart."

"Can you hold me?"

"Of course I can, but are you sure you don't want something to cover up with?"

"Maybe your hoodie? I don't think I can sleep with just a blanket and without you next to me," She sniffled. He took his gray hoodie from the chair and covered her up with it and then laid down next to her, wrapping his arms around her securely. She snuggled into him and let his heartbeat calm her terror.

"Better?"

"Mmhmm."

"Anything else?"

"Can we leave the light on? I feel safer in your arms, but I'm still scared."

"Yeah, we can. It's okay. I'll protect you. I won't let go. You're safe now. Try to sleep. I'll be right here," He knew part of her fear was the nightmares that would haunt her when she closed her eyes. "I won't let anyone hurt you, here or in your dreams. I've got you."

She clutched his shirt as she closed her eyes, hoping it would help keep her in the present. He tightened his arms around her protectively but didn't close his eyes. He wouldn't be sleeping, not till he knew she was safe. He'd watch over her, he'd protect her like he wished he had a year ago. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading. I'm hoping to update either Father of Mine or For Better or Worse next.
> 
> Thanks to my beta FragileVixenFic!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: More later. If you made it through to the end thank you for reading. This made me nervous to write. Reviews would be appreciated. Next will be a Valentine's day oneshot, so something more light-hearted, and a Father of Mine update. I'm not abandoning any of my other stories so if this one isn't for you...there are three others! :)
> 
> Thank you to my beta FragileVixenFic!


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